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  Luke Skywalker Was A Raver
by Adam Darby

Adam DarbyOnce upon a time in a galaxy far, far away...there was a party! And it lasted all night long. But the forces of the Empire (also known as the Man) deemed it a threat to their existence, and focused all of their resources on swatting this annoyance. However, they didn't count on the determination of the rebel forces, and their cunning and elusiveness frustrated the Empire to no end. This led to the creation of an elite strike force (also known as the Media) who attempted to destroy the Rebel cause through the use of propaganda and misinformation. This tactic was partially successful in that it caused the general populace of the Galaxy to believe that the Rebellion was a terrible and immoral thing, and that people should just continue to live their lives without peace, love, understanding, and respect. However, even as the leaders of the Empire rubbed their hands in evil Glee (the lotion for dry evil hands), the Rebels were re-grouping and plotting the next event...perhaps they would take it back underground, on a small moon near Alderaan...

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In the swarm of anticipation heralding the return of Star Wars to the theaters, hardly a day goes by that I don't see a picture of Darth Maul, or see an article about people camping out for tickets, or witness "lightsaber" battles in the hallways of my office building (those deadly mailing tubes!). With such a pervasive presence in my everyday life, I have inevitably noticed some parallels between the Star Wars films and the other pervasive presence in my life — the rave scene. After all, hardly a day goes by that I don't pop a jungle tape into my cassette deck, or listen to a house CD, or see someone in pants that could easily accommodate Jabba the Hutt. It's impossible to avoid! Just think about these things:

  • The glowsticks. The light sabers. 'Nuff said, but I'll say more. It's a good thing the Jedis don't have to snap their lightsabers in half to get them to work...and it would be ultimately cool to have glowsticks that flare to life with a sizzle and make whining sounds when they move. However, I don't know very many party kids whom I would trust with a glowstick that cuts through flesh like so much whipped cream. Jedi knights have to build their own lightsabers, and it's a very deep and personal quest — while ravers fire their glowsticks up, use them frenziedly for hours on end, and then discard them without a thought (Hmmm, reminds me of another comparison I've done...). I still can't picture Darth Vader sticking his lightsaber in the refrigerator to save it for the next battle. But I CAN see some kid with two of those military-style foot long glowsticks, Darth Maul style...

  • The Jedi mind trick. How many times have you wished you could use this? "This isn't the party you're looking for." "This isn't the party we're looking for! Let's go, officers!"

  • The concept of normal looking people working alongside beings with a variety of appendages, extra arms, eyes, skin/scales/feathers/what have you, of all different shades. Do you think Luke Skywalker would blink if the most festooned candy raver you have ever seen jumped into the co-pilot seat of his X-Wing and said "Let's go!"? Do you think Keoki would merit a second glance in Mos Eisley's cantina? The concept of universal acceptance has long been one of the basic tenets of our scene. If aliens ever show up on Earth, ravers should be the first to greet them. I can see it now..."Lords of the Realms 2050 — headlining, Sly Snootles (Live PA)"...

  • The Jawas. Short people with bright eyes in baggy clothing. They travel en masse in vehicles from place to place, and are deemed mostly harmless. Need I say more?

  • Storm troopers. The forces of the Empire, who are not depicted as being especially successful in their pursuit of the Rebel forces. The speeder bike chase through the forests of Endor? Remember that party up in Marietta waaaay back that got busted? I know that you do.

  • This observation was put forth by a shadowy figure known only as "Darth Shambo":

    "The Death Star is really a big disco ball; it's destruction in the original movie in 1977 signified that disco was dead. In 1984, when Jedi was released, the Empire was attempting to rebuild a Death Star, symbolizing the rebirth of disco as cheesy dance music. Once again, the Death Star is destroyed, but not before it got off three shots. These three destructive blasts represent every song ever released by Wham."

  • The significance of single letters to the Rebel Alliance. X-wings, B-wings, Y-Wings, A-Wings. X, K, E, what?

  • People standing in long lines for tickets. Both promoters and movie theaters use presale tickets to avoid this, but it doesn't always work (for either one).

  • People try to sneak into parties. People try to sneak into the movies to see Star Wars.

There are millions of other little similarities that could be pointed out here. C3P0 is essentially a shiny, bumbling candy raver. Princess Leia's nautilus-noggin hairdo would be cute on a ravechik (hell, I've seen them before). And Chewbacca's Wookiee-speak sounds oddly similar to what you hear when someone is trying to tell you something while you're standing right in front of the speakers. Now let's take some lines from Star Wars and see how they would fit into our scene:

  • "A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt this was in the presence of a Turbosound Sound System."

  • "She must have hidden the (Ecstacy, marker, water bottle) in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander."

  • "I find your lack of prejudice disturbing." (spoken by opponents of the rave scene)

  • "These ravers contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it." (spoken by commercial giants who take electronica and use it to sell gum)

  • "That blast came from that speaker. That thing's operational!" (spoken during sound check)

  • "Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of warehouses more heavily guarded than this." (spoken back in the days of illegal warehouse parties)

  • "Jabba doesn't have time for dealers who drop their bags at the first sign of an Police Cruiser." (spoken by an Evil Drug Lord)

  • "Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my party, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive." (heard at a party that has been busted)

  • "I cannot teach him. The boy has no rhythm." (spoken to an aspiring DJ)

  • "You dance in those pants? You're braver than I thought."

Adam practices his Jedi moves. In 5 days, at this time, I will be leaving the movie theater after having seen the most anticipated movie of the decade. In 20, 40, 60 years, who knows? Maybe Lucas has some insight into the future. Maybe the Man will become so oppressive that we will have to Rebel and begin a real-life Star Wars. Perhaps. No matter what happens, we will still need music...and the rebel-like nature of the rave scene may be the thing that ensures its survival into the future, whatever it may be. Just don't be surprised when a little green guy in an Adidas suit shuffles up to you with some fliers, saying "Go to this, you must. Good, it will be. Need directions, yes? Help you I can, yes, hmmmm...."

Adam Darby is a freelance procrastinator and professional entity who likes to spend his spare time brushing his teeth with Didi 7 or boosting his memory by purchasing real estate tapes. He also enjoys killing people softly, ripping mics on the daily, and watching reruns of "Welcome Back to the Head of the Class, Friends." Adam spins jungle under the name "ninjaKid" (lower case "n", capital "K", one word!!!!) and has also been known to drop a set of house or hip-hop at Wish. He also occasionally graces the catwalk with his presence at Wish's fashion shows. Ladies love him, girls adore him, I mean, even the ones who never saw him like the way that he rhymes at a show. The reason why? Man, I don't know.
Credits: Silk Magazine, Lunar Magazine

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